So much of the advice out there about how [adsection]to be a good parent[/adsection] focuses on techniques for modifying your child’s behavior. But it is missing the mark. Research has apparent that the one affair a getting can do to be a good parent is to focus on developing him or herself. This is area a getting has to alpha in adjustment to be a nurturing, attuned mother or father. If it comes to parenting, there are abounding affidavit for us to attending entering and accept ourselves as humans if our ambition is to become a bigger parent.
The 10 Attempt of Good Parenting
1. What you do matters. “This is one of the a lot of important principles,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “What you do makes a difference. Your kids are watching you. Don’t just acknowledge on the activation of the moment. Ask yourself, ‘What do I wish to accomplish, and is this acceptable to aftermath that result?'”
2. You cannot be too loving. “It is artlessly not accessible to blemish a adolescent with love,” he writes. “What we generally anticipate of as the artefact of abasement a adolescent is never the aftereffect of assuming a adolescent too abundant love. It is usually the aftereffect of giving a adolescent things in abode of adulation — things like leniency, bargain expectations, or actual possessions.”
3. Be complex in your child’s life. “Being an complex ancestor takes time and is harder work, and it generally agency rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently agency sacrificing what you wish to do for what your adolescent needs to do. Be there mentally as able-bodied as physically.”
Being complex does not beggarly accomplishing a child’s appointment — or account it over or acclimation it. “Homework is a apparatus for agents to apperceive whether the adolescent is acquirements or not,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “If you do the homework, you’re not absolution the abecedary apperceive what the adolescent is learning.”
4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child. Accumulate clip with your child’s development. Your adolescent is growing up. Accede how age is affecting the child’s behavior.
“The aforementioned drive for ability that is authoritative your three-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s affective him to be toilet trained,” writes Steinberg. “The aforementioned bookish advance access that is authoritative your 13-year-old analytical and analytical in the classroom aswell is authoritative her belligerent at the banquet table.”
For example: An eighth grader is calmly distracted, irritable. His grades in academy are suffering. He’s argumentative. Should parents advance him more, or should they be compassionate so his self-esteem doesn’t suffer?
“With a 13-year-old, the botheration could be a amount of things,” Steinberg says. “He may be depressed. He could be accepting too little sleep. Is he blockage up too late? It could be he artlessly needs some advice in alignment time to acquiesce time for studying. He may accept a acquirements problem. Pushing him to do bigger is not the answer. The botheration needs to be diagnosed by a professional.”
5. Establish and set rules. “If you don’t administer your child’s behavior if he is young, he will accept a harder time acquirements how to administer himself if he is earlier and you aren’t around. Any time of the day or night, you should consistently be able to acknowledgment these three questions: Area is my child? Who is with my child? What is my adolescent doing? The rules your adolescent has abstruse from you are traveling to appearance the rules he applies to himself.”
“But you can’t micromanage your child,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “Once they’re in average school, you charge let the adolescent do their own homework, accomplish their own choices, and not intervene.”
6. Foster your child’s independence. “Setting banned helps your adolescent advance a faculty of self-control. Encouraging ability helps her advance a faculty of self-direction. To be acknowledged in life, she’s traveling to charge both.”
It is accustomed for accouchement to advance for autonomy, says Steinberg. “Many parents afield agree their child’s ability with affront or disobedience. Accouchement advance for ability because it is allotment of animal attributes to wish to feel in ascendancy rather than to feel controlled by anyone else.”
7. Be consistent. “If your rules alter from day to day in an capricious appearance or if you accomplish them alone intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your a lot of important antidotal apparatus is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The added your ascendancy is based on acumen and not on power, the beneath your adolescent will claiming it.”
Many parents accept problems getting consistent, Steinberg tells WebMD. “When parents aren’t consistent, accouchement get confused. You accept to force yourself to be added consistent.”
8. Avoid acrid discipline. Parents should never hit a child, beneath any circumstances. “Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are added decumbent to angry with added children,” he writes. “They are added acceptable to be bullies and added acceptable to use assailment to break disputes with others.”
“There is a lot of affirmation that alive causes assailment in children, which can advance to accord problems with added kids,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “There are abounding added means to conduct a child, including ‘time out,’ which plan bigger and do not absorb aggression.”
9. Explain your rules and decisions. “Good parents accept expectations they wish their adolescent to reside up to,” he writes. “Generally, parents overexplain to adolescent accouchement and underexplain to adolescents. What is accessible to you may not be axiomatic to a 12-year-old. He doesn’t accept the priorities, acumen or acquaintance that you have.”
An example: A 6-year-old is actual alive and actual acute — but blurts out answers in class, doesn’t accord added kids a chance, and talks too abundant in class. His abecedary needs to abode the adolescent behavior problem. He needs to allocution to the adolescent about it, says Steinberg. “Parents ability wish to accommodated with the abecedary and advance a collective strategy. That adolescent needs to apprentice to accord added accouchement a adventitious to acknowledgment questions.”
10. Amusement your adolescent with respect. “The best way to get admiring analysis from your adolescent is to amusement him respectfully,” Steinberg writes. “You should accord your adolescent the aforementioned courtesies you would accord to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Account his opinion. Pay absorption if he is speaking to you. Amusement him kindly. Try to amuse him if you can. Accouchement amusement others the way their parents amusement them. Your accord with your adolescent is the foundation for her relationships with others.”
For example, if your adolescent is a captious eater: “I alone don’t anticipate parents should accomplish a big accord about eating,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “Children advance aliment preferences. They generally go through them in stages. You don’t wish about-face mealtimes into abhorrent occasions. Just don’t accomplish the aberration of substituting ailing foods. If you don’t accumulate clutter aliment in the house, they will not eat it.”
Likewise, the checkout band anger can be avoided, says Natale. “Children acknowledge actual able-bodied to structure. You can’t go arcade after advancing them for it. Tell them, ‘We will be there 45 minutes. Mommy needs to buy this. Show them the list. If you don’t adapt them, they will get bored, tired, agitated by the crowds of people.”
“Parents overlook to accede the child, to account the child,” Natale tells WebMD. “You plan on your relationships with added adults, your friendships, your marriage, dating. But what about your accord with your child? If you accept a acceptable relationship, and you’re absolutely in tune with your child, that’s what absolutely matters. Then none of this will be an issue.”